07-23-2004, 03:32 PM
NOTICE TO ALL STAFF
Dear Staff,
Please be advised that the following are new rules and regulations
implemented to raise the efficiency of our company.
ATTIRE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume
you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, and
therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a raise.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday and Sunday.
LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that
they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to g et a balanced meal to
maintain their average figure.
Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed
to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a
strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes,
an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door
will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your
picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic
Offenders" category.
SURGERY:
As long as you are an employee here you need all your organs. You
should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have
something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and
input should be directed to the State Unemployment Offices.
Have a nice day.
Human Resources Department
Dear Staff,
Please be advised that the following are new rules and regulations
implemented to raise the efficiency of our company.
ATTIRE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume
you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, and
therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a raise.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday and Sunday.
LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that
they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to g et a balanced meal to
maintain their average figure.
Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed
to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a
strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes,
an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door
will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your
picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic
Offenders" category.
SURGERY:
As long as you are an employee here you need all your organs. You
should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have
something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and
input should be directed to the State Unemployment Offices.
Have a nice day.
Human Resources Department
life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so lets get wasted all of the time and have the time of our life.
