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+--- Thread: Black Humor - Hurricane Preparedness (/thread-1187.html)
Black Humor - Hurricane Preparedness - sa4877 - 09-07-2005
Hi.... just something I came across. I don't want in any way to make a joke of the destruction and sadness that Katrina has brought along. This makes hilarious reading though!!
:joker: :joker: :joker: :joker: :joker: :joker: :joker: :joker: :joker: :joker: :joker: :joker: :joker: :joker:
HURRICAN SEASON NOTES:
"We're entering hurricane season. You may soon be turning on the TV
and seeing a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in Australia
of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to live on Australia of
Mexico. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one.'' Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for
at least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this
sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Louisiana.
We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Nebraska.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in South Louisiana, or any
other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance
companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane George, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the
windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets.
There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them
yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.
Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once
you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up,
your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to
use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you
will have to sell your house to pay for them.
"Hurricane-proof'' windows: These are the newest wrinkle in
hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.
Hurricane Proofing Your Property: As the hurricane approaches,
check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio
furniture, visiting relatives, etc.. You should, as a precaution, throw these
items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you
should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will
turn these objects into deadly missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have
an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a
low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Louisiana," "Florida," or "Alabama", you ive in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of
supplies. Do not buy them now! Tradition requires that you wait
until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get
into vicious fights with strangers over who get the last can of SPAM In
addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
* 23 flashlights
* At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power
goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
* Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows
what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)
* A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
* A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask
anybody who went through Camille; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
* $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes,
you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws
near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by
turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise!