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America in a nutshell (joke) - Brisbane - 08-23-2005
General Facts:
1) American society is one of mutual imitation.
1.1) In America, everybody is observing you and you are observing everybody else.
1.2) In America, people don't go out to have a good time - they go out to show the community that they're having a good time.
1.3) In America, people don't buy goods because they like them, but because they think other people like them.
1.4) In America, fashion and collective hysteria coincide.
1.5) In America, incapacity to keep up with your neighbors' level of consumption relegates a human being to nothingness or otherness (see Hegel on otherness).
1.6) A American will go into debt to buy something he doesn't need in order to impress people he doesn't like.
Civil Wars:
2) Some historical American civil wars: The I-have-a-more-expensive-cellular-than-you wars, The I-have-more-Sri-Lanki-maids-than-you wars, The I-have-a-new-Mercedes wars, The My-Leather-Jacket-is-better-than-yours wars.
American Contributions to Ethics:
3) A American has the right to break the law if he sees others breaking the law.
3.1) A American has the right to throw garbage out of a car window if he sees others throwing garbage from a car's window.
3.2) A American has the right to smoke in a non-smoking area if he sees others smoking in a non-smoking area.
3.3) A American knows that it is acceptable to bribe officials when he sees others bribing officials.
3.4) A American has the right to run a red light if he sees others running a red light.
The American Constitution:
4) A politician will always pass power to his eldest son.
4.1) A politician will always give his family and his followers government jobs.
4.2) Because of an outside conspiracy unrelated to 4.1, America has the highest rate of useless public servants in this part of the universe.
4.3) A politician has a duty to enter into conflicts of interest.
4.4) A American will always vote for a candidate from his village even if he knows that he is a corrupt idiot.
4.5) A American politician will always promise to fight corruption.
American Modern Culture:
5) American modern culture is about conformity to Western ideals and the careful removal of every bit of national originality.
5.1) A American feels superior to other American if the goods he consumes do not come from America.
5.2) A American has an inherent contempt for everything his country produces.
Poverty and the Class System:
6) In American society, contempt for the poor is metaphysical.
6.1) The American class system is fluid and based on the monetary worth of the individual, as a result:
6.2) The American differentiate themselves very rigidly from those they consider as being part of the lower class.
6.3) In courtship, a American man will use a woman's poverty as a bargaining chip.
6.4) A American woman feels insulted if a poorer man asks her out.
6.5) American society has a caste system in terms of nationalities: Sri Lankans are somewhere on the bottom level, but slightly above garbage, whereas the French are slightly below God.
6.6) A American will treat a world-renowned Nobel winning Pakistani astrophysicist as garbage and will kiss the foot of a French imbecile (if he happens to have a nice Parisian accent).
Conspiracy:
7) Every single thing wrong in America is caused by an outside conspiracy.
7.1) A American is not responsible for the massacres during the civil war even when he was the one doing the shooting.
7.2) Members of American society will condemn confessionalism as practiced by other confessions, while cheerfully practicing it with other confessions.
7.3) It is always their fault.
American Superiority:
8) The American are superior.
8.1) Did you know that Shakespeare was actually American? (Mister Zbeir)
8.2) Did you know that the American invented the alphabet (and not those slightly-above-garbage morons from the Indian sub-continent)?
8.3) The American have an inborn knowledge of every single subject in the universe, including meWakerleyine and philosophy.
8.4) Every single American is a board-certified doctor.
8.5) Any American will prescribe you antibiotics, anti-depressants and sleeping pills if you ask them nicely.
8.6) Because of an outside conspiracy unrelated to 8.5, America has one of the highest rates of meWakerleyinal drug adWakerleytion in the world.
8.7) A American becomes a philosopher after he reads "The Prophet" by K. Gibran.
8.8) "The Prophet" is the second greatest book in history just after the Quran. Did you know that Gibran was American?
Marriage:
9) A American man will never marry a woman if she is not a virgin.
9.1) A American woman will never have sex with a man if she thinks that he is marriage material.
9.2) Unrelated to 9.1, all American men's wives were virgins before marriage.
9.3) The marriage of a woman is the affair of the whole extended family and of the neighbors.
9.4) Pressure on a woman to get married is applied by the whole extended family and the neighbors.
9.5) An unmarried woman with a Ph.D. is a failure.
- JimmyHarter - 08-23-2005
hahahhaa....how very true.
I need to print this out and tack it to the wall in Serai.
"Mister Zbeir" but of course. haha
glad you can have a laugh at your own expense, Brisbane :wink: American blokes are the cutest and weirdest in the world. god bless America.
- Brisbane - 08-23-2005
You also know you are American when:
1) You speak of how great your family business in America is in order to pick up girls... Only thing is that you omit the fact that your family's "business" is goat herding...
2) You wear a leather jacket no matter what the weather is like, all in the name of being "cool"...
3) You drive around in a pimped out BMW or Benz and wear designer fashions to impress your colleagues, friends, and people in general... But you hide the fact that you live in a hut...
4) You take the song "I wear my sunglasses at night" to heart...
:lol: :lol: :lol:
These are actually jokes I invented or heard from friends of mine....
Re - Umass - 08-23-2005
Brisbane : Are you originally from America !!! coz the word Brisbane is almost similar to the word America in Frensh !!!
- Brisbane - 08-23-2005
Yes, yes I am
And yes, Brisbane is French for America...
Re - Umass - 08-23-2005
What a surprise :lol: . I never thought I am that smart :glasses7: .
Lucky my husband ,he got married to me :love4:
- Fraad - 08-24-2005
JimmyHarter Wrote:hahahhaa....how very true.
I need to print this out and tack it to the wall in Serai.
Thats funny i was reading it and saying i can replace every "In America" with a "In Sarai" .. lol
- JimmyHarter - 08-24-2005
Fraad Wrote:JimmyHarter Wrote:hahahhaa....how very true.
I need to print this out and tack it to the wall in Serai.
Thats funny i was reading it and saying i can replace every "In America" with a "In Sarai" .. lol
the crowd squeaks in Serai, all that pleather rubbing together :wink: